the past three days have been a meditation. a marathon. a car crash. a flood.....a hormonal flood (and the hormones aren't mine).

Meditation
theres absolutely no time to think about myself. no time to do things for myself. all my life energy is being completely consumed by my beloved GIRLS GROUP. the meditation is my losing myself in my girls. being on my toes to react to them. being tuned to what they're thinking and doing. and forgetting about all my silly needs and thoughts.
i did yoga on Wednesday and the most utter and complete peace came over me. and i've felt that deep peace and absolute lack of thought in small periods throughout my day too. i see it in the other staff's eyes sometimes. i think its complete mental exhaustion and not nirvana. but it feels the same. i sit down on the train to go home, and my entire body is still. no thoughts go through my mind. and i feel so content to be alone on a train with myself. and my body and mind are EMPTY. so meditation is a scam...just get a job working with some feisty young girls. trying to tudge through their psychological complication and games is exhausting.

Marathon
my day is from 9ish to 5ish. not bad. i shouldn't complain. but it feels pretty intense. eating with the kids. haggling with the kids. playing with the kids.

Car Crash
watching what the kids say and do to each other and not being able to change it. its a car crash. seeing/imaging how they might be hurt in the long run. the meanness toward one another is so constant and intense. i don't even try to tell them to stop. but it hurts me to watch, i suppose this is part of every girl and boy's youth.

Hormonal Flood
these girls are deep in the throes of hormonal ragings. i watch with my own eyes as their moods change. sweet. then testy. then angry. then boy-crazy. then bored. i do not miss for a moment those quick and deep emotional swings. i remember them well enough.