HCZ to Cornell. Manhattan to Ithaca

my god how time flies! i was meaning to give myself some space to think before writing my last post. i just wanted some separation from my lifestyle in the city, my habits of thought at work, my lifestyle and rhythm rushing around the city all the time. but maybe i've waited a bit too long. my life in the city feels far away. i've already created a conveniently packaged story about my summer experience that i half consciously tell the many people who ask about my summer expereince. the fill-in-the-silence practice of exchanging summer experience stories forces me to forget the important little details of my summer. so now i need to really go back and THINK and REFLECT about how my summer really was.

i'll try to work back from august when i left.
i stayed 2 extra weeks in the city to work with the girls at HCZ a little longer. i was a bit worried that i'd be lonely and adrift without the CUSP troupe but i was plenty busy. i had lots of ends to tie up with work and friends in the city. those last few days alone at the organization were perhaps my best and worst of the summer. i felt multiple times like i was really a part of the organization. i reached new levels or conversation, fun, and trust with my girls. the differences in my skin color and background seemed to disappear in many moments and in that last week i knew i had reached a very deep point of friendship with a few of the staff. these staff i continue to keep in touch with through email and i will count them as my friends always. in my last two weeks i really realized many positive and uplifting things about the summer. but at this time i also had my greatest doubts. i felt doubts and a lack of closure that i still feel today about my work this summer. i realized in my last week that i had given the girls in the group everything that i could manage. i certainly made a bunch of mistakes. theres a looooong list of things i would do differently if i had to lead that program again. i'd be more clear and consistent about rules (for myself mostly). i'd stick to my curriculum even if the girls were openly hating it. i would organize very early on to take the girls on more free outings. i'd pick the group of girls and not allow new girls in or out. i'd be more insistent on forcing dicussion. and challenging discussion at that. oh the list goes ON and ON. these mistakes made me doubt my experience. but more importantly my inability to read my girls made me doubt it even more. in the last days the girls did not seem to care too much that i'd be leaving. i felt unappreciated and especially ineffective. the last day was totally unsatisfying. as always my plans were blown to the wind. instead of watching a positive teen movie about girl power, we ended up watching some crappy alicia silverstien movie about a obsessive and violent girl (this was largely my fault). we didn't get to make a giant poster about girls group together as planned (instead i had to make this on my own after everyone left). i had planned on having a final discussion of sorts and some fun bonding. but instead the day was scattered, hotter then hell, and not even fun. some of the girls left me sweet notes on the black board... this was WONDERFUL. but for the most part i felt like nothing was concluded. nothing appreciated. nothing changed. it was a pretty terrible feeling. and i know i expected too much of a ceremonious ending, but still...... the mediocre ending was really painful for me. i think i was so hurt by the ending because it really pointed out what i was most afraid of seeing this summer...... and that was the potential that i didn't do much of anything for these girls. my fear is that after all the time we spent together they don't feel close to me and me to them.

now, i know this is a terribly negative note to end on. and it really should not be interpreted as such. my last day at work was a test and a proof of how much i have had to learn this summer about how to have faith in what i am doing and not rely on the reactions of others to affirm my work. it is also proof of just how much work must be put in to actually have any sort of meaningful effect on others. if i had stayed longer i would have felt and been able to register much more from these girls. but 1 month is not enough time for me to expect these girls to be vulnerable with me.

looking back there are some spectacular highs and lows. the lows i will just leave untouched. the highs.. i will remember as often as i can. my favorite memory, that i'll leave this blog with. was on a perfect sunny NYC summer day. it wasn't even too hot. samantha and i toke the girls to central park. we sat down on a patch of grass, under a tree, by the Harlem Meer Pond. we had food and music and arts and crafts to do. and the girls had fun. no doubt about it. they fed the ducks. they ran away from the ducks. they talked about boys. they heckled boys. they got to pet a horse that some NYPD were riding. it was perfect. they still fought with each other and me. but it was still PERFECT.