Summer in NYC

HCZ to Cornell. Manhattan to Ithaca

2007-08-29T12:25:00.000-07:00

my god how time flies! i was meaning to give myself some space to think before writing my last post. i just wanted some separation from my lifestyle in the city, my habits of thought at work, my lifestyle and rhythm rushing around the city all the time. but maybe i've waited a bit too long. my life in the city feels far away. i've already created a conveniently packaged story about my summer experience that i half consciously tell the many people who ask about my summer expereince. the fill-in-the-silence practice of exchanging summer experience stories forces me to forget the important little details of my summer. so now i need to really go back and THINK and REFLECT about how my summer really was.

i'll try to work back from august when i left.
i stayed 2 extra weeks in the city to work with the girls at HCZ a little longer. i was a bit worried that i'd be lonely and adrift without the CUSP troupe but i was plenty busy. i had lots of ends to tie up with work and friends in the city. those last few days alone at the organization were perhaps my best and worst of the summer. i felt multiple times like i was really a part of the organization. i reached new levels or conversation, fun, and trust with my girls. the differences in my skin color and background seemed to disappear in many moments and in that last week i knew i had reached a very deep point of friendship with a few of the staff. these staff i continue to keep in touch with through email and i will count them as my friends always. in my last two weeks i really realized many positive and uplifting things about the summer. but at this time i also had my greatest doubts. i felt doubts and a lack of closure that i still feel today about my work this summer. i realized in my last week that i had given the girls in the group everything that i could manage. i certainly made a bunch of mistakes. theres a looooong list of things i would do differently if i had to lead that program again. i'd be more clear and consistent about rules (for myself mostly). i'd stick to my curriculum even if the girls were openly hating it. i would organize very early on to take the girls on more free outings. i'd pick the group of girls and not allow new girls in or out. i'd be more insistent on forcing dicussion. and challenging discussion at that. oh the list goes ON and ON. these mistakes made me doubt my experience. but more importantly my inability to read my girls made me doubt it even more. in the last days the girls did not seem to care too much that i'd be leaving. i felt unappreciated and especially ineffective. the last day was totally unsatisfying. as always my plans were blown to the wind. instead of watching a positive teen movie about girl power, we ended up watching some crappy alicia silverstien movie about a obsessive and violent girl (this was largely my fault). we didn't get to make a giant poster about girls group together as planned (instead i had to make this on my own after everyone left). i had planned on having a final discussion of sorts and some fun bonding. but instead the day was scattered, hotter then hell, and not even fun. some of the girls left me sweet notes on the black board... this was WONDERFUL. but for the most part i felt like nothing was concluded. nothing appreciated. nothing changed. it was a pretty terrible feeling. and i know i expected too much of a ceremonious ending, but still...... the mediocre ending was really painful for me. i think i was so hurt by the ending because it really pointed out what i was most afraid of seeing this summer...... and that was the potential that i didn't do much of anything for these girls. my fear is that after all the time we spent together they don't feel close to me and me to them.

now, i know this is a terribly negative note to end on. and it really should not be interpreted as such. my last day at work was a test and a proof of how much i have had to learn this summer about how to have faith in what i am doing and not rely on the reactions of others to affirm my work. it is also proof of just how much work must be put in to actually have any sort of meaningful effect on others. if i had stayed longer i would have felt and been able to register much more from these girls. but 1 month is not enough time for me to expect these girls to be vulnerable with me.

looking back there are some spectacular highs and lows. the lows i will just leave untouched. the highs.. i will remember as often as i can. my favorite memory, that i'll leave this blog with. was on a perfect sunny NYC summer day. it wasn't even too hot. samantha and i toke the girls to central park. we sat down on a patch of grass, under a tree, by the Harlem Meer Pond. we had food and music and arts and crafts to do. and the girls had fun. no doubt about it. they fed the ducks. they ran away from the ducks. they talked about boys. they heckled boys. they got to pet a horse that some NYPD were riding. it was perfect. they still fought with each other and me. but it was still PERFECT.

Sewer Explosions, Strange Timing, and Chris Brown

2007-07-18T20:33:00.000-07:00

this week has been quite a week.

and today has been quite a day.
my Flemish cousin, Joris, is in NYC this summer and we decided to meet up today. we met at the entrance of the Chrysler building after work. we strolled along the block and then decided to go into Grand Central to take the 4 5 6 downtown for dinner. after being in Grand Central for not more than 2 minutes, there was a huge commotion and people started to run away from the Lexington Ave doors and into the station toward us. things felt very wrong. there was panic in the air. and we all started running. everyone in the station. the people behind us kept looking back toward the doors and then running. and strangely no one was saying anything. i hadn't heard gun shots or explosions but the fear in the air was impossible to miss. we all ran away from the exit and into the main concourse area. i was thinking very clearly the whole time. Joris and i held hands. we tried to avoid stampeding crowds. and we looked for another exit. we ran with strangers. we kept on hitting dead ends that had train platforms but no street exits. and since we were all thinking terrorist bombing we all were trying to get to the street. finally people were shouting that they found an exit. we got out onto Lexington and it looked like there was smoke pouring out from a building behind us. all this mud/ash was falling on us from the sky. we all started running down the street away from the smoke. it was incredibly surreal. crowds of us running down the middle of the street. people pushing and yelling to get further away. the cars stuck. people's shocked faces looking behind at the smoke in the air. we had ash/mud/whatever it was all over us. Joris and i ran with the crowd a few blocks and then people dissipated and we walked west all the way to 9th ave. i wanted to walk as far away from the financial district as possible and once we reached a west-side residential area we stopped. at this point though we knew that whatever had happened was not such a big deal. and we enjoyed dinner with a Belgian beer to toast the strange conditions of our reunion.
finding out later it was just a pipe explosion made me feel silly for being so scared. but it was nonetheless a memorable experience. and writing about it now, the images of my strange afternoon chill me. all of us running through grand central. people in business suits, people grabbing their children. people in the streets terrified and confused and pointing at the billowing smoke.
the fear and hyper awareness of terrorist attacks is incredibly real. and this afternoon proves to me that none of us feel any safer from this war.

and after watching Sicko and then talking with Joris about the Belgian health care system, Europeans view of the US and our war, and the Belgian government...i am not so into America.

on a more positive note, this afternoon showed me how well i perform under pressure and chaos. it makes me feel more confident that when shit goes down, i know i won't crumble into hysterics.

------------------------------------------

GIRLS GROUP.
oh my, what an improvement from last week. its going so well. the girls seem to enjoy it. 3 new girls have asked to join! i am enjoying it. we've been discussing some important stuff and some girlie stuff. chris brown is apparently the hottest boy around. and lil' wayne is whack. but i also am learning about the racial cliques in some schools. and the racial cohesion in others. and the pressures that my girls feel. and what they love about themselves.

2007-07-12T20:14:00.000-07:00

the past three days have been a meditation. a marathon. a car crash. a flood.....a hormonal flood (and the hormones aren't mine).

Meditation
theres absolutely no time to think about myself. no time to do things for myself. all my life energy is being completely consumed by my beloved GIRLS GROUP. the meditation is my losing myself in my girls. being on my toes to react to them. being tuned to what they're thinking and doing. and forgetting about all my silly needs and thoughts.
i did yoga on Wednesday and the most utter and complete peace came over me. and i've felt that deep peace and absolute lack of thought in small periods throughout my day too. i see it in the other staff's eyes sometimes. i think its complete mental exhaustion and not nirvana. but it feels the same. i sit down on the train to go home, and my entire body is still. no thoughts go through my mind. and i feel so content to be alone on a train with myself. and my body and mind are EMPTY. so meditation is a scam...just get a job working with some feisty young girls. trying to tudge through their psychological complication and games is exhausting.

Marathon
my day is from 9ish to 5ish. not bad. i shouldn't complain. but it feels pretty intense. eating with the kids. haggling with the kids. playing with the kids.

Car Crash
watching what the kids say and do to each other and not being able to change it. its a car crash. seeing/imaging how they might be hurt in the long run. the meanness toward one another is so constant and intense. i don't even try to tell them to stop. but it hurts me to watch, i suppose this is part of every girl and boy's youth.

Hormonal Flood
these girls are deep in the throes of hormonal ragings. i watch with my own eyes as their moods change. sweet. then testy. then angry. then boy-crazy. then bored. i do not miss for a moment those quick and deep emotional swings. i remember them well enough.

Girls Group Begins

2007-07-11T21:29:00.000-07:00

i have re-entered the world of middle school girls.

monday was the first day of summer program. it was HECTIC. kids arriving all day long. staff running around trying to start on the right foot. trying to set the tone, lay down the rules. my girls group was subject to the same chaos and last minuteness. i learned that 3 of my 7 girls would not be in the summer program (some had to go to summer school, the to other Florida). and then 1 girl didn't want to be in the girls group anymore(which i'll admit hurt my feelings). But finally, for the last hour of that day I met with my girls.....the 3 I had left. They were very quiet. They weren't as excited as I had hoped they'd be. But I felt hopeful.

next day is tuesday and we find out that the day is being extended from 3pm to 5pm. after some discussion we decide that i should have 2 separate girls groups. one would be from 1pm till 3pm and the other 3pm till 5pm. around 1pm i have a list of girls. 5th and 6th grade girls. "they're so young," i think. "they'll be great!" ohhhhh boy!! these girls were spit-fires. 3 of them were sweet, they wanted to be there, and they weren't challenging me or playing power games. but oh lord the rest! for two hours i battled these girls. i know this language seems strong. especially when its me and some young girls. but i really felt like i was being attacked. they acted like they were on a single-minded mission to make the class difficult. we were supposed to be talking about "popularity and cliques." and the whole time the girls are giving me lip and fighting each other. they seemed to take a stance against everything. most of them didn't answer any question honestly or sincerely. i handed out a survey on self-esteem and under "things you don't like about yourself" would be written "nothing" and under "things you like about yourself" they'd write "everything." things like this seem benign. but they are quite impossible to deal with. i could not force them to participate.

this was/is the ultimate connundrum for me and probably every other teacher/activist/parent on this earth. how do you get someone to care? how can you get someone to understand how something is very important for them in the present and the long run?

in the end 2 of the girls got in a fight. and three had to leave the group

wednesday. the plan changes again. it will be one group after all. as originally planned. i'll have them from 11am-3pm. 3 hours and maybe lunch with them too. it will be the 6th, 7th, and 8th grade girls that were the most reasonable. it was not hard to figure out who would be in the group. the girls that i absolutely could not handle toke themselves out. due to the usual TRUCE chaos, i met with the 7th graders alone and then the 8th graders alone. both groups were wonderful. they participated. we talked. no fights to break up. i didn't have to yell. i only had to discipline a little.

so starting next monday. girls group will be in effect for real. i want to make sure that i am prepared by the end of the weekend. things need to be tweaked. a re-doing of the curriculum with less discussion and more activities, art, and trips. catch me next week to hear more about my adventures.

this week my thoughts have been very consumed by the group and the other TRUCE kids.
thinking about my class. i am sure i misread a lot of the aggression that i thought was being directed at me. the culture, for one, is quite different amongst these kids. yelling and sassing one another seems to be standard fare. additionally, many of the girls were testing each other. especially the newer 5th and 6th graders. they were the most challenging and i think it was because they felt threatened by older girls. all my girls were also feeling me out. testing me perhaps. and i also realize that i was probably taking a lot of things seriously because it was my first time really teaching and being in charge of a group. i was unsure about how strict i should be. i am not certain what is appropriate for the girls to talk about. i don't know what girls that age are usually talking about. should i be more serious in the beginning? or should i start off on a casual, friendly, and trusting note? these were the questions i had and have. also, since i have put so much time and effort into the curriculum and i've spent so much time prepping for and thinking about how girls group might go, i feel protective of what we're doing. i really, strongly want the girls to enjoy and invest in what were talking about and so any shows of indifference and boredom from them, i feel deeply. luckily, in terms of discipline, the girls drew the lines for themselves. i did not have to worry about whether i would start strict or sweet because some of the girls were so difficult right off the bat, that i had to break out my disciplinarian self immediately. in a way, this has been a blessing in disguise. as someone who was raised by non-disciplinarian parents, and someone who feels uncomfortable drawing lines and telling people what they cannot do....its for the best that i was forced into the role.

speaking of discipline, i really feel for lauren. she is working with the large 8th grade group. i sat in on some of their programs and they are rough. it continues to shock me over and over again how often and to what degree all us staff must discipline the kids. and i continue to be surprised by how little respect and fear some of these kids have for authority. i thought that my experiences working at MacCormick and Lansing would prepare me, but the atmosphere at those facilities was way more subdued and controlled than the atmosphere at TRUCE. of course i could NEVER compare the two. TRUCE is a safe and loving environment filled with staff who are endlessly surprisingly me by the grace with which they deal with some of the kids. and the STAFF. they are great. i could write an entirely new blog entry about the amazing staff and their unique approaches to dealing with kids. marisa, is crazy and wonderful and always herself and she throws that at the kids and they don't even know what to do. paul will be serious. julie will joke but also lay down the rules. aziz, has a method all his own....military, karate discipline. and it works so well! i carefully watch the staff and what they do and how kids react. differect methods work on different kids. but in the end i realize the most important things are to not take things personally, to be confident in yourself, and to discipline but try not to get mad.

A break before the storm

2007-06-28T14:02:00.000-07:00

I'm off work all of next week because right now we are in between the school year program and the summer program. I went in to work on Monday and Tuesday and was very busy preparing for my girls group. I spent hours typing up a comprehensive (14 page!) curriculum that will be a very helpful guide. I also prepared my room...cleaned out all the cigarette buts, scrubbed the tables, dusted, and stocked it with some necessary supplies. I felt so happy to be cleaning a space that will be exclusively for the girls group. We get to decorate it as we want and make it our own space. I plan on printing out some pictures of inspirational women to put on the walls of the room. The first day of the summer program is Monday, July 9th and that will be the first day of Girls Group ( I decided I want it capitalized). The Group will be made of 7-9 girls and we will be together Monday through Wednesday from 11:00am till 4:00pm. I have already chosen 6 girls who have agreed to be in the group, they are all seventh graders, so I'm gonna try to get a few eighth graders too. On Thursdays the girls and I will go on trips with the larger group (about 150 kids!). During Girls Group we'll discuss all sorts of important things like popularity and cliques, family, communication, anger, puberty, hygiene, race, culture, rumor spreading and teasing, body image, and finding our true selves. There are lots of interesting activities that we'll be doing plus some fun outings. We'll also do arts and crafts. The girls wanna learn how to knit so I promised them I'd teach them how, and we're gonna make beaded bracelets and such. I am hoping to have a health and beauty day at the end during which we'd do an intense exercise dance class in the morning and then get our nails done, or bring some people in to braid in the afternoon.

So right now I am doing more last minute preparations....trying to find museums and places that offer discounted or free tours to large groups, reviewing my knitting skills, making a CD with happy inspirational music etc. I am also enjoying some free time to read, roam, go to yoga class.

2007-06-24T20:48:00.001-07:00

view from my window and my beautiful Gerberas

2007-06-22T15:10:00.000-07:00

----------------------------------------------playing in new york city:

WonderWheel. (its name explains it all)

Interesting juxtapositions. Coney Island with the amusement rides, the crowded beach, and the housing projects behind.

Mermaids of the Nile drinking beers.

yesterday was Coney Island's 25th annual Mermaid Parade. Lots of fun. Hot dogs, nachos, ice cream, the beach, the boardwalk.
PS i love mermen

we went earlier last week to Bryant Park to watch Annie Hall. the park was packed and we couldn't really see the screen from where we were but it was great anyway. Sarah brought a blanket. Tom brought wine and crackers. Laura brought frozen grapes. i really enjoyed soo much the feeling of just sitting on the ground, in the warm night air, with the bright city buildings towering above me, and having great conversations with my friends.
other great things i've been doing: Design Museum, El Museo del Barrio, eating in the Meatpacking District, karate classes with Sense Aziz, shabu-shabu in Korea Town

-------------------------------------------------- my experiences at work:

on Wednesday the 2oth we had a graduation celebration for all students entering, moving up a grade, or leaving TRUCE Fitness. it was a great time. well, the first 1.5 hours were rather rough because a bunch of us were in this teeny hallway, without lights, without ventilation preparing plates of lasagna and garlic bread and forced into listening to R.Kelly's 'The World's Greatest' on loop for the entire time. no joke, R Kelly on repeat for 1 and 1/2 hours. but once that infernal song was turned off and the program started it was great. dance, karate, rap, step, a fashion show...the works. it was a great way for all the kids to be recognized and celebrated. i think it was a real success. and then it ended with a dance party that i will probably always remember. it happened so suddenly. someone mumbled something into the microphone and all of a sudden everyone was up moving chairs and frantically folding up tables. the music was on and the floor was immediately packed. the teeny tots got onto the stage and worked it. these kids had soo much rhythm. but the dance moves they were doing (of course just emulating what the older girls do) were incredibly sexual and suggestive and i was a bit shocked to see little kids dancing like that. but everyone else was saying how cute they looked....so i dunno. the middle school kids were also dancing, forming circles, showing off the latest dance step. of course i couldn't resist. and i was dancing, having a good time, getting into it and then one of the girls (who is actually such a sweetheart) came up to me and just started laughing at me, right in my face. ouch!..... it was a blow. i consider myself a good dancer, and i always feel that dancing is too fun to feel insecure about but at that moment the "white man can't dance" stereotype felt like it must be true....and for a while i felt so rhythmless, uncool, and.......white!

the reason why i write about this rather hilarious dance incident is because i feel that it is a perfect example of what has been most challenging for me at HCZ. the biggest challenge i've faced at work is getting used to being a minority and in a different culture. of being misunderstood sometimes, and always sticking out. having different mannerisms, different clothing style, different community experiences etc. the challenge is feeling out of place and yet refusing to change myself. and i sometimes want to do something to fit in a bit more. maybe act a bit more tough, maybe pretend i don't know certain things, maybe act like i have less money, maybe use some slang words, maybe talk less about how much i enjoy learning and reading and school., etc. BUT i have made a promise to myself to be me no matter how strange or dorky or whatever i feel. and all the times when i act like the intelligent, caring, silly person that i am, the girls and staff i work with respond really positively!!! changing myself would be selling the kids short. it would show them that its not ok to be yourself.
its funny because the girls i will be working with this summer are middle schoolers that are grappling with that exact issue. feeling the pressure to not be different. they feel the pressure to be tough, sexy, cool, not intellectual etc. i feel the best way i can learn from them and have them learn from me is by being 100% myself and proud.
so i'm gonna get on that dance floor every chance i have and shake my little white girl butt and hope that my girls will be proud to do the same in all aspects of their lives.

2007-06-12T21:27:00.001-07:00

here we are after a cute little picnic last week in central park.

soooo much has happened in the past few days. this weekend was especially eventful. on Friday we visited Project REACH and had an unbelievably effective workshop on homophobia, classism, racism, and more. Don, who facilitated, made us all do some soul searching to see the judgements and misconceptions that we all carry around.... the 4 hours we spent with him continue to stick with me. Saturday we had our health fair and block party at HCZ. we've been planning for it for a bit and it turned out to be a big success. Ding, Tom, and Rahul came by and we all enjoyed the festive scene.
highlights include: watching the little guys do karate, spontaneous electric slide dancing, chicken-noodle soup dance offs, trying to do double dutch, the old man with the cane dancing and riding his cane like a horse (i kid not), and looking for the cat sized rat that was hiding under the cars and then screaming at it and running away and then looking for it all over again, and over 700 people attending!
if you want to see some great pics from the Harlem Children's Zone Health Fair check our Ding's blog.

2007-06-11T07:22:00.001-07:00

I am working with Harlem Children's Zone at the TRUCE Fitness site in Harlem. TRUCE Fitness offers afterschool and summer programs for kids in middle school. The program focuses on fitness through exercise and healthy eating. Students participating in the program must exercise 2 hours a week in the mini gym. There are yoga, dance, and karate classes that students are encouraged to take and healthy snacks are available (junk food and soft drinks forbidden!). Students who participate in the afterschool summer program are paid a monthly stipend if they fulfill all requirements. Starting July 9th I will be leading a small 'girls group' with about 10, 7th and 8th grade girls. This part of the program is what I am really most excited about. I can't wait to design and implement curriculum and get to know the girls. There is a lot to be said about Harlem Children's Zone...the larger organization. It is an agency started by Geoffrey Canada (my hero!!!!!!) that offers programs all over Harlem and forms a sort of web of support. Other programs under the Harlem Children's Zone include; Baby College, The Promise Academy, Gems, and more. Check it out online!!! It is a very successful organization in so many ways and they are always doing neat things.
www.hcz.org

2007-06-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

My loyal readers,
This blog is a part of the Cornell Urban Scholars Program (CUSP) curriculum and it will be used to answer assigned questions. You can expect much philosophizing about 'service learning' and much reflecting on the lessons I'm learning, and hopefully, if I ever have the time I'll write about some of my own, very personal thoughts, thrills, experiences etc.

ME:
I'm a senior at Cornell University, majoring in sociology. I am interested in environmental and social issues and how these two topics interact. I love to dance, run, do yoga, talk, explore, be outside, eat new foods, laugh, blah, blah, blah. My home is California/Belgium/Kazakhstan. I love analyzing people and places....and so the city is a huge playground for me.
To my friends and family...... I miss you!

Assignment #1

2007-06-07T14:30:00.000-07:00

How do you understand community service?
The easy answer is that community service is the act of serving a community. Serving a community by providing the services they need, and specifically serving communities that are particularly disadvantaged. I understand community service to be much broader than the traditional definition, it can be simple positive personal habits, like not littering, or smiling at people, or it can be much larger and insitutional like the Red Cross or the Salvation Army. But if you are improving your community, any community, then I consider that community service, and good for you.

Why do you participate in CUSP?
...because I was interested in doing a 'social justice' oriented internship this summer and looking to live in a big city and wanting to be able to afford all this. So CUSP was a perfect match. It has allowed me to live in a wonderful city, with supportive friends, and work at an agency that needs me and wouldn't be able to pay me a wage.

What do you expect to learn?
This question is too much. There will be soooo many things that I'll learn that I cannot predict now. And I like that. I expect myself to learn a lot about the PEOPLE I will be living with (CUSPers!) and working with (staff and kids). I also expect to learn about the city, how to get around, the feel of the different neighborhoods, the best spots. And I expect to learn about myself of course. To learn how I rise and meet challenges, and how I become close with the staff and girls I work with.