Sewer Explosions, Strange Timing, and Chris Brown

this week has been quite a week.

and today has been quite a day.
my Flemish cousin, Joris, is in NYC this summer and we decided to meet up today. we met at the entrance of the Chrysler building after work. we strolled along the block and then decided to go into Grand Central to take the 4 5 6 downtown for dinner. after being in Grand Central for not more than 2 minutes, there was a huge commotion and people started to run away from the Lexington Ave doors and into the station toward us. things felt very wrong. there was panic in the air. and we all started running. everyone in the station. the people behind us kept looking back toward the doors and then running. and strangely no one was saying anything. i hadn't heard gun shots or explosions but the fear in the air was impossible to miss. we all ran away from the exit and into the main concourse area. i was thinking very clearly the whole time. Joris and i held hands. we tried to avoid stampeding crowds. and we looked for another exit. we ran with strangers. we kept on hitting dead ends that had train platforms but no street exits. and since we were all thinking terrorist bombing we all were trying to get to the street. finally people were shouting that they found an exit. we got out onto Lexington and it looked like there was smoke pouring out from a building behind us. all this mud/ash was falling on us from the sky. we all started running down the street away from the smoke. it was incredibly surreal. crowds of us running down the middle of the street. people pushing and yelling to get further away. the cars stuck. people's shocked faces looking behind at the smoke in the air. we had ash/mud/whatever it was all over us. Joris and i ran with the crowd a few blocks and then people dissipated and we walked west all the way to 9th ave. i wanted to walk as far away from the financial district as possible and once we reached a west-side residential area we stopped. at this point though we knew that whatever had happened was not such a big deal. and we enjoyed dinner with a Belgian beer to toast the strange conditions of our reunion.
finding out later it was just a pipe explosion made me feel silly for being so scared. but it was nonetheless a memorable experience. and writing about it now, the images of my strange afternoon chill me. all of us running through grand central. people in business suits, people grabbing their children. people in the streets terrified and confused and pointing at the billowing smoke.
the fear and hyper awareness of terrorist attacks is incredibly real. and this afternoon proves to me that none of us feel any safer from this war.

and after watching Sicko and then talking with Joris about the Belgian health care system, Europeans view of the US and our war, and the Belgian government...i am not so into America.

on a more positive note, this afternoon showed me how well i perform under pressure and chaos. it makes me feel more confident that when shit goes down, i know i won't crumble into hysterics.

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GIRLS GROUP.
oh my, what an improvement from last week. its going so well. the girls seem to enjoy it. 3 new girls have asked to join! i am enjoying it. we've been discussing some important stuff and some girlie stuff. chris brown is apparently the hottest boy around. and lil' wayne is whack. but i also am learning about the racial cliques in some schools. and the racial cohesion in others. and the pressures that my girls feel. and what they love about themselves.

the past three days have been a meditation. a marathon. a car crash. a flood.....a hormonal flood (and the hormones aren't mine).

Meditation
theres absolutely no time to think about myself. no time to do things for myself. all my life energy is being completely consumed by my beloved GIRLS GROUP. the meditation is my losing myself in my girls. being on my toes to react to them. being tuned to what they're thinking and doing. and forgetting about all my silly needs and thoughts.
i did yoga on Wednesday and the most utter and complete peace came over me. and i've felt that deep peace and absolute lack of thought in small periods throughout my day too. i see it in the other staff's eyes sometimes. i think its complete mental exhaustion and not nirvana. but it feels the same. i sit down on the train to go home, and my entire body is still. no thoughts go through my mind. and i feel so content to be alone on a train with myself. and my body and mind are EMPTY. so meditation is a scam...just get a job working with some feisty young girls. trying to tudge through their psychological complication and games is exhausting.

Marathon
my day is from 9ish to 5ish. not bad. i shouldn't complain. but it feels pretty intense. eating with the kids. haggling with the kids. playing with the kids.

Car Crash
watching what the kids say and do to each other and not being able to change it. its a car crash. seeing/imaging how they might be hurt in the long run. the meanness toward one another is so constant and intense. i don't even try to tell them to stop. but it hurts me to watch, i suppose this is part of every girl and boy's youth.

Hormonal Flood
these girls are deep in the throes of hormonal ragings. i watch with my own eyes as their moods change. sweet. then testy. then angry. then boy-crazy. then bored. i do not miss for a moment those quick and deep emotional swings. i remember them well enough.

Girls Group Begins

i have re-entered the world of middle school girls.

monday was the first day of summer program. it was HECTIC. kids arriving all day long. staff running around trying to start on the right foot. trying to set the tone, lay down the rules. my girls group was subject to the same chaos and last minuteness. i learned that 3 of my 7 girls would not be in the summer program (some had to go to summer school, the to other Florida). and then 1 girl didn't want to be in the girls group anymore(which i'll admit hurt my feelings). But finally, for the last hour of that day I met with my girls.....the 3 I had left. They were very quiet. They weren't as excited as I had hoped they'd be. But I felt hopeful.

next day is tuesday and we find out that the day is being extended from 3pm to 5pm. after some discussion we decide that i should have 2 separate girls groups. one would be from 1pm till 3pm and the other 3pm till 5pm. around 1pm i have a list of girls. 5th and 6th grade girls. "they're so young," i think. "they'll be great!" ohhhhh boy!! these girls were spit-fires. 3 of them were sweet, they wanted to be there, and they weren't challenging me or playing power games. but oh lord the rest! for two hours i battled these girls. i know this language seems strong. especially when its me and some young girls. but i really felt like i was being attacked. they acted like they were on a single-minded mission to make the class difficult. we were supposed to be talking about "popularity and cliques." and the whole time the girls are giving me lip and fighting each other. they seemed to take a stance against everything. most of them didn't answer any question honestly or sincerely. i handed out a survey on self-esteem and under "things you don't like about yourself" would be written "nothing" and under "things you like about yourself" they'd write "everything." things like this seem benign. but they are quite impossible to deal with. i could not force them to participate.

this was/is the ultimate connundrum for me and probably every other teacher/activist/parent on this earth. how do you get someone to care? how can you get someone to understand how something is very important for them in the present and the long run?

in the end 2 of the girls got in a fight. and three had to leave the group

wednesday. the plan changes again. it will be one group after all. as originally planned. i'll have them from 11am-3pm. 3 hours and maybe lunch with them too. it will be the 6th, 7th, and 8th grade girls that were the most reasonable. it was not hard to figure out who would be in the group. the girls that i absolutely could not handle toke themselves out. due to the usual TRUCE chaos, i met with the 7th graders alone and then the 8th graders alone. both groups were wonderful. they participated. we talked. no fights to break up. i didn't have to yell. i only had to discipline a little.

so starting next monday. girls group will be in effect for real. i want to make sure that i am prepared by the end of the weekend. things need to be tweaked. a re-doing of the curriculum with less discussion and more activities, art, and trips. catch me next week to hear more about my adventures.

this week my thoughts have been very consumed by the group and the other TRUCE kids.
thinking about my class. i am sure i misread a lot of the aggression that i thought was being directed at me. the culture, for one, is quite different amongst these kids. yelling and sassing one another seems to be standard fare. additionally, many of the girls were testing each other. especially the newer 5th and 6th graders. they were the most challenging and i think it was because they felt threatened by older girls. all my girls were also feeling me out. testing me perhaps. and i also realize that i was probably taking a lot of things seriously because it was my first time really teaching and being in charge of a group. i was unsure about how strict i should be. i am not certain what is appropriate for the girls to talk about. i don't know what girls that age are usually talking about. should i be more serious in the beginning? or should i start off on a casual, friendly, and trusting note? these were the questions i had and have. also, since i have put so much time and effort into the curriculum and i've spent so much time prepping for and thinking about how girls group might go, i feel protective of what we're doing. i really, strongly want the girls to enjoy and invest in what were talking about and so any shows of indifference and boredom from them, i feel deeply. luckily, in terms of discipline, the girls drew the lines for themselves. i did not have to worry about whether i would start strict or sweet because some of the girls were so difficult right off the bat, that i had to break out my disciplinarian self immediately. in a way, this has been a blessing in disguise. as someone who was raised by non-disciplinarian parents, and someone who feels uncomfortable drawing lines and telling people what they cannot do....its for the best that i was forced into the role.

speaking of discipline, i really feel for lauren. she is working with the large 8th grade group. i sat in on some of their programs and they are rough. it continues to shock me over and over again how often and to what degree all us staff must discipline the kids. and i continue to be surprised by how little respect and fear some of these kids have for authority. i thought that my experiences working at MacCormick and Lansing would prepare me, but the atmosphere at those facilities was way more subdued and controlled than the atmosphere at TRUCE. of course i could NEVER compare the two. TRUCE is a safe and loving environment filled with staff who are endlessly surprisingly me by the grace with which they deal with some of the kids. and the STAFF. they are great. i could write an entirely new blog entry about the amazing staff and their unique approaches to dealing with kids. marisa, is crazy and wonderful and always herself and she throws that at the kids and they don't even know what to do. paul will be serious. julie will joke but also lay down the rules. aziz, has a method all his own....military, karate discipline. and it works so well! i carefully watch the staff and what they do and how kids react. differect methods work on different kids. but in the end i realize the most important things are to not take things personally, to be confident in yourself, and to discipline but try not to get mad.